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Thursday, 02 July 2009

  • Climbing the mountain

    Things have gotten so much better you guys.  We haven't been to counseling yet. The counselor I chose is on vacation the entire month of July and I didn't think it was a good idea to meet with her, only to not be able to see her for an entire month. She gave me a back-up contact, but I was looking forward to working with her. Turns out, the fab company I work for also offers counseling (not sure how many sessions), but it's another option, and its free. How awesome is that? Something about the company knowing I'm not doing so hot doesn't appeal to me. I'd rather keep it private, if I can.

    I never knew this, but hubs has actually been in counseling before for depression. Go figure. When I mentioned the counselor I chose, he admitted to it. When I asked him why he was depressed, he said he didn't know. He was in high school at the time. I just never knew this. I'm looking forward to resolving things. I really like the way this counselor works. She meets with each of you separately and then together.

    In other news, I got my hair cut yesterday. For free! There's a higher end salon here that trains their stylists extensively, and part of that training is cutting on live models. I was a hair model. That sounds so glamorous. I thought I wouldn't have any say in the cut, but I did and I love love love it. I'll have pics soon, but trust me, it's gorgeous. I'm going to get some color next week. Whee! Hubs likes the cut as well. It was just time for a change. When things spin out of control, sometimes you just need to do something to give you that feeling back.

    .:Edit:.

    hair3

    Hair before

    hairbefore

    Glossy lips.

    hair2

    After. He called it a square layer cut. Lost of flirty layers in the back, and volume everywhere.

    Hair

    Fringy front.

    bdaymakeup

    Bday make-up. Bold yellow on the lid and purply awesomeness in the crease. Duochrome highlight. And of course, navy blue eyeliner. I had a lot going on, but I loved it. Especially those lips.

Thursday, 25 June 2009

  • I've hit a wall...

    Better yet, based on how hard I've hit it, it feels like a mofo mountain. I can't see the top. It's beyond my line of sight. It feels as if its as high as Mt. Everest though. I wish bits of it would start to fall so I could see through to the other side. To the better side. To the happy side.

    Someone, please tell me, "Its the actions, not the words." I can almost hear any of you telling me that.

    His words cut through faster, and they're all I see. I'm blind with tears. I can't turn my ears off, so the words ring through. They whizz past my ears, through my brain and they anchor themselves in my heart. Its crumbling. It's all falling apart.

    I wish I could run, far, fast and past this stupid mountain. I wish I could kick this mountain's ass.

    I just took a shower and the tears were falling faster than the drops of water on my skin. As each one fell, I tried to tell myself, it's the actions, not the words. Over and over again.

    Words mean so much to me. I think that's why I'm on Xanga. Your words are so important to me. I struggle to remember every last one. Each one is precious, concise, structured, heartfelt. These are the words I'm feeling right now.

    What is the stupid mountain? It's the distance between me and my husband. I'm an overachiever. Failure is not an option. I don't want to fail at my marriage. I feel like I'm building a wall around my heart. As I try to guard it another word shoots in. Faster than I can defend.

    Its no longer about who is right or wrong. I don't care about that. I honestly don't. I need to make a list of the things I want, so excuse my mind vomit as it oozes onto the page...

    Sidenote: Someone please tell me why the bullets don't work in Vista. So annoying.

    • I want him to be able to discuss something important with me while looking at me, directly, not off into space, and certainly not while he's playing with his phone.
    • I want him to not raise his voice ever. I know my words can be venemous, but I don't want his coming at me in a harsh, loud voice, filled with anger, riddled with hate, and not laced in love.
    • I want him to acknowledge when he's being absolutely ridiculous. He's pretty good at helping me acknowledge when I'm being the biggest bitch on the planet, but I wish I could do the same for him. I failboat at that.
    • I want him to look at me when we're discussing something important and not play with his phone. Yes, I know I already said that, but there's a reason it's at the top of the list.
    • I want to manage the money. I want to pay all the bills. I don't want him to worry about money. I want to make decisions as husband and wife when it comes to the money, but I don't want to have to wonder why he doesn't have any, or needs it, when he should be saving some for emergencies, etc. 
    • I want to love coming home to him again. I used to come home to an empty house during the week and it was depressing. I would long for his return, and could hardly wait to see him. I miss those days.
    • I want him to not raise his voice when we're discussing something. I wish we could have a civilized conversation, where things got resolved. I hate when they escalate beyond control. Beyond reason. 
    • I want him to help me move this mountain. I didn't get here all by myself. I definitely had some help. 
    • I want him to talk to me when an issue does arise. The snide, under his breath comments that I can almost hear annoy the crap out of me. They're usually again, filled with anger, riddled with hate and not laced in love.
    • I don't want to leave. I don't want to be told, "I pay the rent and you can move all your shit out. I'm tired of your bitch ass attitude and not gonna keep it up in my house."
    • I want to delete that last bullet, but I won't. 
    • I don't want any more negative comments. About anything. The sky is not falling, only on you, everyday. There are positive things happening for you, because of you, and those should not be ignored. They should be acknowledged.
    • I want to enjoy my birthday this weekend. That sounds selfish, but I do want that.
    • This list already seems long and I don't like that. 
    • I want him to trust me. I want him to let me manage the money w/o worry. W/o fear. And certainly w/o fearing that I'm going to take all the money, leaving him with nothing. I've never done anything like that. 
    I have faith that things will get better. At this point, I'm hoping they can't get any worse. Have mercy. 

  • In n Out...of the hospital :(
     
    Ok, so I felt sick last week. Uncomfortable pain. So not pleasant. I told my boss, and he let me go home, but asked me to go to the doctor. So, on my way home, I did. The doc did some bloodwork, sent me home with a prescription, etc.
     
    The next day, aka last Thursday, they called me at work with the result from the bloodwork. They wanted me to come in again. The pain wasn't as bad as before, but I had pancreatitis again. Whee! The doc wanted to admit me again and do another ERCP (just for funzies).
     
    I didn't get nervous until they mentioned they wanted to do some tests. I heard CT scan, x-ray. I wasn't scared until I made the mistake of asking the technician what a CT scan is used for. "It's to look for mass." (As in Cancer mass) Fantastic!
     
    The scans came back clean, but the scare remained. He still did the procedure but didn't find any lingering stones. He chalked it up to me having too much fun in Nawlins, and the rich food that is so yummy there. Boo for having fun!
     
    Anywho, I say all that to also bring up something else. I got a strange phone call from my ins. company. It was a nurse and she wanted me to call back. I did. She asked some questions, about my visits to the hospital, etc. She mentioned Crohns disease. I told her I had not been diagnosed with that, ever, and that I feel fine.
     
    I talked to Daisy last night, and I mentioned the convo with the helpful nurse. She told me, "That's not good." As in, I guess insurance companies do investigations as to how much of a risk u are, etc. Doesn't that just feel slightly misleading? A nurse calls to "check" on me, when really she's investigating? Do no harm comes to mind. I hope this isn't one more thing to worry about, but we'll see, right?

laurelitavera

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    • Name: Lorie
    • Country: United States
    • State: Texas
    • Metro: Houston
    • Birthday: 6/28/1980
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 1/27/2004
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  • I'm recently married and a Texas gal. Music is def my thang and I am a make-up whore!

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  • Ritzypuffles
    Hi Lorie! My name is Pixie! Thank you for subscribing to my blog. I hope you enjoy.
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    How do I get my xanga to look like yours?
    • Posted 5/29/2007 11:54 AM
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    I love that I have brought out your inner Pina Colada!!