I've hit a wall...

Better yet, based on how hard I've hit it, it feels like a mofo mountain. I can't see the top. It's beyond my line of sight. It feels as if its as high as Mt. Everest though. I wish bits of it would start to fall so I could see through to the other side. To the better side. To the happy side.

Someone, please tell me, "Its the actions, not the words." I can almost hear any of you telling me that.

His words cut through faster, and they're all I see. I'm blind with tears. I can't turn my ears off, so the words ring through. They whizz past my ears, through my brain and they anchor themselves in my heart. Its crumbling. It's all falling apart.

I wish I could run, far, fast and past this stupid mountain. I wish I could kick this mountain's ass.

I just took a shower and the tears were falling faster than the drops of water on my skin. As each one fell, I tried to tell myself, it's the actions, not the words. Over and over again.

Words mean so much to me. I think that's why I'm on Xanga. Your words are so important to me. I struggle to remember every last one. Each one is precious, concise, structured, heartfelt. These are the words I'm feeling right now.

What is the stupid mountain? It's the distance between me and my husband. I'm an overachiever. Failure is not an option. I don't want to fail at my marriage. I feel like I'm building a wall around my heart. As I try to guard it another word shoots in. Faster than I can defend.

Its no longer about who is right or wrong. I don't care about that. I honestly don't. I need to make a list of the things I want, so excuse my mind vomit as it oozes onto the page...

Sidenote: Someone please tell me why the bullets don't work in Vista. So annoying.

• I want him to be able to discuss something important with me while looking at me, directly, not off into space, and certainly not while he's playing with his phone.
• I want him to not raise his voice ever. I know my words can be venemous, but I don't want his coming at me in a harsh, loud voice, filled with anger, riddled with hate, and not laced in love.
• I want him to acknowledge when he's being absolutely ridiculous. He's pretty good at helping me acknowledge when I'm being the biggest bitch on the planet, but I wish I could do the same for him. I failboat at that.
• I want him to look at me when we're discussing something important and not play with his phone. Yes, I know I already said that, but there's a reason it's at the top of the list.
• I want to manage the money. I want to pay all the bills. I don't want him to worry about money. I want to make decisions as husband and wife when it comes to the money, but I don't want to have to wonder why he doesn't have any, or needs it, when he should be saving some for emergencies, etc. 
• I want to love coming home to him again. I used to come home to an empty house during the week and it was depressing. I would long for his return, and could hardly wait to see him. I miss those days.
• I want him to not raise his voice when we're discussing something. I wish we could have a civilized conversation, where things got resolved. I hate when they escalate beyond control. Beyond reason. 
• I want him to help me move this mountain. I didn't get here all by myself. I definitely had some help. 
• I want him to talk to me when an issue does arise. The snide, under his breath comments that I can almost hear annoy the crap out of me. They're usually again, filled with anger, riddled with hate and not laced in love.
• I don't want to leave. I don't want to be told, "I pay the rent and you can move all your shit out. I'm tired of your bitch ass attitude and not gonna keep it up in my house."
• I want to delete that last bullet, but I won't. 
• I don't want any more negative comments. About anything. The sky is not falling, only on you, everyday. There are positive things happening for you, because of you, and those should not be ignored. They should be acknowledged.
• I want to enjoy my birthday this weekend. That sounds selfish, but I do want that.
• This list already seems long and I don't like that. 
• I want him to trust me. I want him to let me manage the money w/o worry. W/o fear. And certainly w/o fearing that I'm going to take all the money, leaving him with nothing. I've never done anything like that.