The picture with the birthday cake is my Mom. Love the product placement!

My Lita went to be with my Lito Saturday morning. It felt like the longest day ever, and definitely dramatic, but it was spent with family, and I wanted to be there for my mama.

(Lita was a stunner)

When I think of my Lita, I am filled with her warm words, her gentle smile and her constant words of wisdom. I remember asking her after my Lito passed, if she would ever marry again. She told me in her time you never discussed that. You married one time and that was it. It was in that moment I knew how much she loved my grandfather. One of my favorite memories was taking her to see a play downtown about Cantinflas. She used to watch these old movies with my Lito and I loved hearing her laugh and remember. It was a very special night and I was proud to share it with her. She constantly reminded me to be a lady. A lady didn't laugh loud, didn't say anything mean and she always took care of her family. One of my favorite pieces of advice that I'm still learning is, es mejor que solo hay un loco que dos. I like to tell my husband that position has been filled but I know now that even though it's better, it's best for no crazy person to be present. I'm most proud of the relationship she had with her children. She was overwhelmingly patient, kind and was always on your side. It was an unconditional love that was shared equally among all of us. She never asked for much but when she called you answered. It's a tradition I know my cousins and I will carry on with our parents. Another tradition we shared was how we ate as a family. The children were always served first, then our husbands and then us. Our families were who we put first. Outsiders always find it weird but for us, it's always felt right. I will miss her voice, her quiet smile but I will always feel her love and remember her words.

Girls, I lost my ladiness over the weekend. My Lita is definitely close to passing. When I'd visit in the hospital, to be there for my Mom/family, I was fine. I'd wait until I got in the car or home to bawl my eyes out. Over the weekend, my Mom asked me to bring her some clothes and some lunch. I was quick to get on the ball, and since husband hadn't visited yet, I really wanted him to go as well. He was already out running an errand, and of course called to tell me he was done as I was heading to my mom's house. I let him know what was going on and he agreed to meet me at my mom's house. Since he was right down the street, I didn't expect him to be too far behind me. I was packing clothes like a mad woman at my mom's house. I couldn't find her chones (panties), so I was getting close to panic then. I could only find my mom's skimpy Victoria's Secret panties (with the tags on) so that was what I packed (LOL!). I had been there close to half an hour and was starting to come unglued as to why he wasn't there yet. I left and headed to my aunt's house to get clothes for her, but none of her kids were home. Boo again! Husband called me when I was nearly to my aunt's house, irked that I'd "left him." I knew my mom hadn't eaten so I was trying to get to her quickly. Husband and I definitely have different paces at which we get things done. I'm quick, fast, and in a hurry and he can take his time without a care in the world. In his defense, he's more thorough, but I always try to get more done quicker. After the bust at my aunt's house I booked it towards the hospital. I saw Jason's Deli and thought that sounded delicious for my Mom/Aunt. I love their HUGE sandwiches and soups, so that was what I got. I fed 5 people with 2 sandwiches and 2 bowls of soup. LOL! My order didn't take too long but the girl that was in charge of packing it moved slower than I don't even know what. In her defense, the food was still steaming hot by the time it got to my mom's mouth, but I was irked with her pace as well.

I finally made it to the hospital and I was still irked. Irked that I was carrying everything. Pregnant lady needing some assistance! I was nearly to the door of the hospital and my husband was moseying on out and I lost it. "Are you going to help me?!" And yes, I was probably speaking loudly. He told me he was on his way, but it was as if the entire weight of the world was on my shoulders and I couldn't hold it. Jefferson threatened to leave because of my behavior (which was probably more than embarassing at this point). I was having a major meltdown. I was mad at the world. I miss my Lita's voice more than anything and even though her passing hasn't been "sudden," it's definitely hitting me hard. I was inconsolable. We got on the elevator and he was still commenting that he couldn't believe how rude I was acting and I still couldn't stop myself. I finally told him I needed a hug. As soon as he wrapped his arms around me my tears just leaked out of my eyes. Don't go chasing, waterfalls!

I calmed myself down even though I was Farrah ugly crying. We walked towards my Lita's room and as soon as my mom saw me, she knew I was upset. She hugged me and I sobbed more. We went to the family room and she asked me what the hell was wrong. I told her I was just unable to deal. She looked at me and told me that all my crying/being upset wasn't good for the baby. I need to be happy every day I'm pregnant, which for the most part, I am. Truly, over the moon, jumbo cheese happy. But with everything going on with my Lita, I was just ill prepared. We talked/ate. I felt better. My mom rocks. I apologized to my husband for my ridiculousness, but I could not control myself. It was as if someone else was being crazy and I couldn't stop them.

We stayed for a long time, well until my sister-in-law arrived. There's only so much I can deal with when it comes to her/her pregnancy. Husband and I rode separately, and he stopped somewhere on the way home to get bathroom cleaning supplies and I started laundry. As a penance, punishment to myself for my behavior, I folded his 80 million pairs of socks. The man has I have no idea how many different brands/styles of socks. It's ridiculous. I started laundry and tried to forgive myself for my behavior. He came home, and he had brought me my favorite Coconut Vitainwater and sunflower seeds. I have no idea how I have such an awesome husband.

Fathers Day, he scrubbed our shower since I don't think I'm supposed to be douching that area of our home. He even made me breakfast. It was a great weekend despite my meltdown. Please, baby Jesus, no more of that.

I've always said that I didn't think I'd get the physical signs of pregnancy as far as nausea and morning sickness, but that the emotional signs would surge when I least suspected it. It's been happening so much lately. Sometimes, like when I'm at work, I can control it, but at home, that's a different story. I was making dinner one night this week and husband was peppering me with questions and it was all I could do to tell him, I love you, please let me cook. And he did. Thank God. I've been more tired lately too. I'm usually asleep by 10, if not way earlier. I used to complain about Jefferson coming to bed super late, but with pregnancy, I've let that go. Fast forward to last night. I'd gone to bed early again, and I remember him saying something about finishing one last thing and then coming to bed right before I was in dreamland. Around midnight, I heard him banging (yes, banging!) on the walls in the bedroom. At first, I just asked him to stop. He said he kept hearing a noise and apparently banging scares it away? I don't know. To me, it just sounded like a normal house creak whenever the A/C kicks in. More banging. I told him, to take his happy ass outside to investigate. He did, but not before arguing. I finally told him, it's after midnight, I don't want to argue. I want to sleep. thankyouverymuch. He went outside, where SURPRISE! He started banging on the windows/walls from the outside. OH HELL NO! STOP! When he came inside he was all pissed off, but are you fucking kidding me? NO NO and JUST NO! After midnight is not a reasonable hour to go fucking ghost hunting. It's sleepy time. He said something about sleeping in the other room, as if I was going to back down. I told him, PLEASE DO! So he did, but not before doing more ghost hunting adventures on that side of the house. Apparently it was scarier over there, and he ended up retreating back to our bedroom and going to bed. I wish I was better at hiding my crazy, but mama needs sleepy.

I was just thinking about how "ready" I was for weight loss surgery. The last lingering feeling of self doubt was that I was going to do something so drastic and then still not be able to get pregnant. I remember meeting with the psychologist and voicing that doubt. It was my most genuine fear. I wasn't worried about losing my boobs or my ass, or even the loose skin. I was worried that my body would still not get pregnant. She reassured me that it wasn't a silly fear. And that if that was the case, would I still be happy just being healthy? I knew that I'd still have a feeling of loss, defeat, but that I did want to be healthy. I needed to stop the madness. I needed to love myself again.

When I tell people I'm pregnant, they love to tell me you lost all that weight and now you're pregnant? Like it's a bad thing, like it's the worst thing ever. Even my mother-in-law....

"Are you ready to get fat?"

I cringe thinking about that now. I told her and I'm telling you all dear friends, I had surgery to be healthy, to rescue myself. I had surgery to be at a healthy weight prior to being pregnant. I wanted to have a non-high risk pregnancy. Being pregnant is so far my biggest NSV. PS, my boobs rock. They are off the chain!

My pizza face is getting better too. I went for simple glam today, liner only on top, rosy cheeks and my favorite purply/pink lipstick. That covergirl foundation rocks my socks. It stays on all day (even in my beloved hometown's humidity) and isn't completely matte. I got some much needed rest last night and I'm feeling awesome today. Basking in my pregnancy glow over here! As for the scale, I haven't gained any weight. At first I was worried about that, but my mom/the books I've been reading reassured me that is entirely possible. Talking to Daisy in our pregnancy happiness is my favorite thing ever. I'm going to have to visit her so I can see it in person. you ladies !

I'm currently 8.5 weeks and things are swimming along nicely. I was only "sick" once and that was over the weekend after I noshed on some spicy pork rinds. I still love all of my food to be spicy/full of flavor. Well, until those rinds didn't sit well with me. It wasn't horrible, but I still think it won't be. I keep thinking my smaller stomach is keeping me away from running to the bathroom, bush, etc. The nurse couldn't verify that for me, but I'm thinking my theory is true. There have been a couple days where I just simply didn't have time to eat, but never got sick.

The only real issue I have is pizza face. My face is dry in some places, like near my eyes and an oil well in others (my cheeks/chin). I'm sooooo not used to that. I'm trying a new foundation. The covergirl 3 in one liquid one. It's covering my pizza face in a lovely way. My tried and true Revlon ColorStay for dry skin, what I was using before may have been contributing to my problem. We shall see.

Most days I just feel uber girly, feminine and it's a feeling I'm trying to embrace. I'm normally a sassy pants, but I've been refraining from that. Earlier, one of my bosses said something that should have offended me but I just laughed it off because I knew he just said it in the most awkward way possible.

Jefferson has been awesome. He's still steady nesting. He cleared out half the office to make room for a crib. If he knew the sex, he'd be painting already too. Speaking of the sex, I have some aunts visiting from California (to see my Lita) and one of them has 4 boys. She told me an old wives tale. If the age you conceive + the month you conceive is an odd number, it's a boy. She said it was true for all of her boys. Scrumpets, has this been true for you? For me, it'd be a girl, since I probably conceived in April and I'm 32. I still really want a boy. I want a mini JJ Watt. Well, maybe not mini... LOL.

In other related news... I found out my brother/his new wife are expecting. Did I announce that? My brother (the 31 year old) got married 5/7. I found out the day of his wedding that I was expecting/told him. My parents were NOT as happy for him as they were for me, which sucks because this is definitely one of those memories that's hard to erase/forget. I'm hoping that time can heal that wound. I know my brother is going to be an awesome Dad, and the cousins will be the same age. Yay!