I’m sure that statement might seem cruel and insensitive, but I’m also sure there is a grain of truth to it. Hubs surgery was Friday. It all happened so fast. One minute we were driving there and then the hospital called and asked if we could get there any earlier. Earlier than the four hours they wanted us there? Crazy, right? We told them we were on our way. The nurse saw us and asked us to wait but that they’d call us back any minute. Hubs was nervous and called his mom to tell her. She wasn’t on her way yet, but said she would be. He was worried she wouldn’t get there before they wheeled him away. They called him to put his iv in and he walked away without kissing me. I whistled and he came back to kiss me. There was a man sitting nearby and he asked me what I was in for. I told him and he said his wife was having gastric bypass. We talked about their surgeries, the shakes, mother in laws. He was very comforting. I was pretty calm before she arrived. He told me don’t worry, talk to me if she gets out of line. He reminded me so much of my stepfather. A big love bug. His wife is about the same age as my mom and I wanted him to meet her. I felt like I was talking to my husband in thirty years, or who I hoped my husband would be. Soothing, mature, manly. His mom arrived and they called us back to say goodbye. He was nervous. Everyone back there recognized us from my surgery. Felt like celebrities. I hope I wasn’t an asshole. We kissed him goodbye and I remained strong. Inside I was terrified. We waited patiently. Hubs told his mom he’d be out by two, but he had no idea. They have a board that tells you if your patient is still in surgery or post op. His mom watched that clock and got worried when no one came out right at two. I checked the board and assured her he was still in surgery. It was almost three when the doc came out. He told us that in addition to removing my husband’s gall bladder, he also needed to fix a hiatal hernia.  I had no idea what a hiatal hernia was, but I was so thankful. Of course, more waiting. The gentleman I was talking to got to go up and see his wife. He was soo happy. My mom arrived. It was finally our turn to go to go up and see him. He was groggy but kept telling me I’m beautiful and that he loved me. He asked me to swab his mouth with one of those mouthwash swabs. I attended to him in front of mama and made him spit. Mama left to deliver cake balls. We got him up and walked the halls. My mom and I went looking for that man, but he was at dinner. My mom talked to his wife and they had a nice conversation. I don’t know if she’ll remember. :/soon me and my mom went home to let him rest. I didn’t pack clothes. I stayed with my mom, took some tylenol pm and crashed.

The next day, I arrived and he was recovering nicely. They had already removed his catheter and pain pump. We talked and walked him around some more. They started monitoring his output. They wanted him to urinate a certain amount before letting him go. He didn’t complain of too much pain, but the output was slow moving. His mom visited and my parents. He was adamant about going home. They kept saying that if he didn’t urinate, they were going to reinsert the catheter. He did not want that to happen. Finally, they released us around 9pm. We came home, he peed like a racehorse and then we both crashed.

Yesterday, he wasn’t a very cooperative patient. Getting him to eat was next to impossible (even the most delicious protein shake I’ve made to date-chocolate protein powder mixed with peanut butter and milk/ice- SO YUM!) and soon, he was complaining of pain. I gave him some pain medicine but wouldn’t give him any more until he ate something. He had some popsicles and soup, but I noticed he wasn’t moving around as much as in the hospital and he wasn’t going to restroom nearly as often as I was. Right before bedtime, he called his mom and told her he was still in pain. She advised he call the doctor and he did. The on-call doctor advised that if he was still in an intense amount of pain to come into the ER. Now, here is where I show my ass. I was fuming. Why did he wait so long to call? In my head, I’m thinking uh, you had three surgeries. You’re going to be in some amount of pain. This should be understandable. He was feverish and his incisions were not seeping. He was adamant about going back to the hospital. I was supposed to work today, but nope, looks like I had to drive the most difficult patient in the world back to the hospital last night. It took everything in me to do it.

We got there and it was a ghost town. Miraculously, we had the hottest male nurse attending to us. Did I say us? I meant my husband. The doctor wanted a CT scan to check for leaks as well as an xray to see if there were any bowel obstructions. Being that he didn’t eat too much, I didn’t think that was possible. I felt like I was in the ER for no good reason other than to stare at the hottest male nurse. They gave him some pain medicine to stop his bemoaning and then took him for tests. The results were slow coming, but no obstructions and slow moving bowels which can be expected as a result of surgery or pain medicine. They admitted him around 2:30am, SUPER, and I stayed with him (there was a hot female nurse attending to him and I wasn’t going to have that. I’m pretty sure I gave her some stink eye, because she didn’t come to check on him at all). I called in sick (attending to my “sick” husband) and crashed. The on-call doc came in around 7:30 but I was still dead to the world. I missed whatever that doctor said and my husband, I’m sure was pretty out of it. They mainly wanted to monitor him and make sure he had some kind of bowel movement. He was still peeing and eating. I woke up around 10:30 and knew I needed a shower. I told him I was going to go home, shower and change and come right back.

When I returned, his surgeron stopped by. He told us that the tightness in his chest he was feeling was related to the hot/cold extremes he was consuming. They cause esophogeal spasms and that’s what he was feeling. It was all normal. Of course my husband isn’t willing to admit that this trip to the ER was totally pointless but I know it was. They released us early this afternoon, and he crashed as soon as he was riding home. I’m glad to have him home and recovering. Hopefully, the worst is behind us. The hardest part of last night was him saying things in anger. He was saying that he wished he never had this surgery, that it wasn’t worth all the pain. I know he would’ve needed surgery one way or another. His gall bladder was definitely pretty bad as well as a source of pain, and that hiatal hernia was no joke. I know him having this surgery probably saved his life and for that, I am thankful. I just hope/pray he starts to feel that way too. you guys. My surgery is one week from tomorrow.

Hello, all. I had my pre-op appointment today and since Cowboy was off from work as well, he came with. He wanted to check his weight loss, and also inquire about some persistent pain. In one week of liquid protein shake diet, he’s lost 18lbs, y’all. I’m so excited for him. Since starting my work-out journey October of 2010, I’m down 22lbs. I’m pleased with that, but it took FOREVER. He’s excited about his weight loss as well, and that’s what really counts. His surgery is scheduled for Friday and we’re soooo excited. My liquid shake diet starts tomorrow, but I kind of started today. With all the doctor appointments today, it was shakes all day. I’m getting ahead of myself.

At the pre-op appointment, my appointment, turned into his. We talked with the head nurse about his persistent pain. They want to check and make sure its not gall stones so he’s scheduled for an ultra sound. If it is gall stones, they’ll just remove his gall bladder at the same time as his gastric sleeve on Friday. My mom joked, anything else you want to complain about? LOL! I’m hoping its not gall stones, but I’m glad they want to play it safe. After my pre-op appointment, we headed to the hospital for blood draws, and chest x-ray. The nurse was absolutely lovely…until she told me no make-up on surgery day. Boo! She goes, no one will be wearing make-up that day. Hilarious.

After pre-ops, we headed to my 3rd appointment, my OB. She’s such a lovely, cheerful lady. I love her. She was pleased with all the progress, and hearing about the surgeries. She’s all about nutrition and vitamins and she was so excited that I decided to do the sleeve as well. Much easier for the babies. We discussed BC. I’ll be doing the nuva ring. I love that I don’t need to remember pills and that I won’t have to worry about absorption since its transdermal. Yay for having that covered. She also said something about Wal-mart and Walgreens having some deal where you pay $5 a year and get prenatal vitamins and omega-3 pills for free? SOLD! My exam was lovely, everything looked perfect again. I love hearing that.

After that hoopla, I headed home to shower, change and off to the gym. I had such an awesome workout today. I think all the good news and protein shakes helped. I was doing more reps, heavier weights with no problems. I think my knee may almost be back in running shape. Grrrreat! When I got home, I was also able to coax hubby into walking around the neighborhood. So huge. I’ve never been able to get him to do that.

I’m off all week so the plan is to stock the fridge for post surgery and clean. Woo hoo!

I didn’t think I was dropping a bomb on you guys, but I guess I did. Hubs and I have considered the surgery for some time. I’ve been hitting the gym hard and eating better and the weight still isn’t coming off. I’m feeling better, my numbers (cholesterol, bp, glucose) are all in check and the numbers on the scale are laughing at me. Last year when I went to my ob she suggested that my hormones and metabolism were working against me and the only way to get all that back in check was to lose weight. Easier said than done, right? I wish I had a scale at home for higher weights so I could show my husband how much weight he’s losing. I know it would motivate him more. The shakes are getting old for him. We both missed the note that he can have 1 protein bar a day in place of a shake. I think he really misses chewing/eating.  He’s been complaining of pain as well but nothing to be alarmed with.

The other day I had trouble sleeping. I was thinking of all the scary things, losing my husband, complications, etc. Living my life without my husband scares me. I was able to push all these thoughts out of my mind prior to Monday night. I try to focus on the fact that I know we’re doing this to live longer together, but still, scary. The doctor has never lost a patient and that comforts me.  I do cherish my husband and his gentle spirit.

Why now? Our insurance covers it. The max out of pocket expense goes up next year and it’d make more sense to do it this year. Seeing my mom go through all her changes, I finally feel ready. I am definitely in the category of wanting kids. My cycle has finally returned to regular, probably as a result of the working out and eating better. I’m meeting with my OB next week for my well woman and to discuss BC options for post surgery.

What’s ahead? I’ll start the all shakes all the time diet next week. The main reason for the shakes is to reduce the size of your liver. Eating all the processed food, high fat foods wreak havoc on your liver. Cowboy and I have had shakes every morning together. So far he’s liked chocolate protein powder mixed with a banana and water/ice. We followed a recipe for a pineapple smoothie and it didn’t have enough pineapple for his highness. I love vanilla protein powder mixed with frozen blueberries water/ice. I’m sure we’ll be shopping for more options this weekend. He has his eye on cookies/cream flavored protein powder. Post surgery, we’ll both be on a clear liquid diet for 6 weeks. Sounds fun, right? You progress to normal food slowly. Actual physical recovery is 1-2 weeks. They actually want you up/moving around the same day as surgery to check for leaks and pain. Crazy, right? I’ll be able to start walking right after surgery and back to regular strength training in 3 weeks. Yay!

As a result of all the shakes, he’s been requesting soup. Whenever I made soup (when he wasn’t sick) he was not having it. Now, he’s stocking up on broth. Anything to break up the taste buds.

I hope I don’t turn into a junkie talking about this surgery. I remember my mom was talking about it nonstop, even to strangers and it drove me nuts. At the end of the day, I’m pleased with what I see in the mirror. Its not that I don’t love my body. I want to be healthier. I want to have children. If I’m unable to have children even after surgery, then I can let that worry rest. I can understand that I wasn’t meant to. I’d love to adopt. I just can’t imagine not being a parent. I love you guys and I’m looking forward to taking you all on this journey with me.

Cowboy’s weight loss surgery is scheduled for 12/16. Protein shake diet starts today. I made him something lovely this morning. Strawberries, banana, vanilla protein powder and some ice/water/skim milk. I had some myself. So good. I’m hoping that I can give him enough variety this week that he won’t get sick of it. The surgeon provided some recipes that sound so good. Mocha- chocolate protein powder, with water/ice/coffee sounds really good. My mom made a delicious last meal for him yesterday, steaks, mashed potatoes, corn, green beans, homemade bread. His mom made him chicken fried steak. My mom ate a little bit of the steak to show him that she could (she’s 2 years post op).

I’m so excited for his surgery. Nervous and excited.

I’ve scheduled surgery for myself 12/27. Big changes are coming.

Me/Cowboy at my brother’s 30th birthday party. (lipstick)

Parents.

Me and two of my cousins and my aunt. Guess which one is my aunt. (no lipstick,

I have a silly picture with my brother, but my phone isn’t cooperating. Boo!

I really love these. She always manages to give me perspective, crack me up and get through to the very core of who I am.

Lately, I’ve been asking about my Dad more. Counseling has made me face the issues I’ve had with him over the years. I love my Dad, I just don’t understand him sometimes, ok all the time.  Naturally, I have to take everything my Mom says with a grain of salt. I know she still loves my Dad despite however he wronged her. That amazes me sometimes. At the party for my Grandma, my Dad’s first wife showed up. True, she lives in town, but she was dressed to kill, my friends. Cougar-licious dress, high heels. Eat your heart out, Dad. I love her for that.

On one of our walks, (Cowboy and I come over to visit during football games) my mom and I go for walks when the guys yell at the tv for an afternoon, she asked about Martin. She was asking about his family. It’s always interesting how your family shapes who you are and how you deal with others. With me and M, he always counted the minutes with my family. I explained the why to my mom on one of our walks. M, lost his mom at a young age, was raised by his grandparents, and found out over the years that his parents stayed together after they dropped him off with the grandparents. He was envious of the relationship I had with my mom and fought me at every turn because of it. I did let him drive a wedge between me and my mom and I’m so thankful Cowboy doesn’t do that. When he asks to visit, I’m so happy to oblige. He gets male bonding time with my brothers/stepfather and I get mommy time. Brother’s gf coming over is usually a bonus. I’m still crossing my fingers for that to happen, for her to be my future sister in law.

Another one of our chats was related to me/weight loss surgery. She was telling me how she wants to have another plastic surgery. My mom is already hot mom, I don’t think she needs the next surgery she wants. She wants her neck tightened. I’m going to need her to look like a grandmother when I have babies, not my sister. I’ve had my final consult with the doc as it relates to my surgery but I’m still on the fence. Even though I know I’m not at a healthy weight to conceive, I don’t like hearing that I have to wait 18 months to get pregnant. And be on BC again? Menolikey. I’m a crazy person on BC.

In other news, I’ve been driving the truck to work. Of course, Cowboy has more than a few not nice things to say about that. It’s his favorite thing to fight about. I can hardly wait to go back to counseling to discuss this and an entire host of things. Like me prancing around in panties all day Saturday as I did laundry and getting absolutely no attention for it.

OMG! Cowboy got a big boy truck. Of course I got to drive it to work today. Yay! Isn’t it purty?

Mama like.

I have big plans for the back seat.

Also, I’m so proud of him. He’s never bought a new vehicle, and I’m so glad I got to be there for this moment. Progress!

We visited MIL over the weekend. Don’t I look so innocent? It was a good visit and I wanted to feel glamorous.

Yesterday was a whole lotta therapy. I had my psych eval as well as couples counseling. I’m still processing that me overload. During the psych eval I was asked a series of questions and I was an open book. I talked about issues with my childhood, husband, relationships. Couples counseling before yesterday was still skimming the surface of me. So far it’s been our issues on the table, not so much individually. This psych eval was a deep dive into me. Scary stuff. I felt like she went inside my head, caused a hurricane, complete with rocks and a huge mess. I talked to my husband about it before couples counseling and holy majole. Bad move. We’re still not at the point where we can discuss things and there’s that open/safe environment. He’ll say the wrong thing, I’ll hear something worse and then I’m crying. Awesome. I have another appointment with the surgeon before I schedule, and even though I passed the psych eval, I’m still on the fence. I want my husband to have the surgery regardless, but I’m sure he feels like this is either we both do it or neither do it kind of deal. Ay yi yi!

Couples counseling turned deep. I was an open wound and let him crawl even deeper inside my head. All of my insecurities or most of them came to the surface. The bigger ones that I try to hide the most were up front, ready for him to attack. I needed him to be firmer with me and firmer he was. It felt like a spanking. Who said that? He did. Who said that? He did. Finally, I realized that the only person saying whatever I heard was me. Only a little dense and stubborn. Nothing to see here. When we got home, he reminded me that he’s glad he married me. That he loves me, that I’m sexy. Of course the words don’t mean as much when they’re not accompanied by bed shaking activities, and of course those didn’t happen. He fell asleep on the couch. So this morning, I’m rocking a dress and hooker heels, prancing around the office like a rockstar. I even packed gym clothes. My insecurities snuck up on me early this morning and it’s like I need to punish myself for what he does/doesn’t do.

Spectacular.

 So we had a party and it was excellent. I made lasagna and of course there were beverages, but it was so much fun. But enough pointless chit-chat… onto my costume. I was a kitty cat. Cowboy was a police officer, but I didn’t get any pics, too busy having fun. My mom said something silly like, oh I get it, he’s the cop and you’re the hooker. Thanks, mom!

With my brother’s gf. Aren’t we cute? I finished her make-up and applied falsies. My favorite thing that she said that night was that she loves spending time with me because I make her feel like a woman. I loved making her prettier. First time wearing red lipstick for her. So glam, right? How about some decoration pictures?

Cowboy did most of the decorating. I’m short and would hang things too low.

This was from the living room towards the kitchen. Spooky blood fabric.

I’m a fan of Dexter so this shower curtain looking fabric was my homage to the king of blood splatter.

The front door. That thing hanging on the wall slashed at you.

That thing hanging scared me every time I came home.

Of course, I wore that same costume to work today. Way too early to have the cupcakes in the window.

I know what you’re thinking. How does your skin look so flawless? I have no idea. I swear these pics are unedited. I’ve just been washing my face with regular bar soap (Dial), and applying some Target version of Neutrogena moisturizer along with my coochie cream before applying makeup. I’m loving it! I’m also back to a combo of liquid foundation (Loreal True Match) topped with bare minerals. No complaints. I have to thank my Gmas for all the great genes. That and maybe plenty of sex? Menoknow, but its working.

Meow! Before the party, I wanted to go buy beer. Cowboy wouldn’t let me out of the house wearing this outfit.

That nose was the hardest thing to keep maintained. I drew it on with liquid liner, but no idea where that is today. Brother’s gf may have it.

Love birds. This is Mom/Dad. I believe this year is their 19th wedding anniversary. I didn’t get pics of just their costumes, but they wore letterman jackets and said they were high school seniors.. senior citizens.

I always love pics with mom.

Or with hubs. Like my gypsy earrings? I do! They jingle jangle. There’s one more picture, but I can’t find it. Boo! LOL!

I want to blog, but I got nothing. Other than my boss isn’t here again today. No word yet on that action. Feels like a snow day though, that’s for sure. Of course there are visitors here so that’s not possible. I did have a dream the other night. I had a resolution dream as to how my brother’s best friend was going to come out to me. For some reason he was scared to. I’m so intimidating in my dreams. He asked if we could take a walk and I agreed. He told me he was gay and I told him I had two things to tell him. I told him I was sorry for what I said during my wedding. And I thanked him for never leading me on or making me his beard. Told him I just wanted him to be happy. I woke up feeling better even though it’s never happened. I’m sure I’ll see him next month. My brother is turning 30. Can you believe that? Fuck, I’m old. Ok, back to work.

This weekend was excellent. I had Friday morning off to pack and finish cleaning my home before we headed down to the valley for my Grandma’s 75th birthday surprise. We vanpooled with my brother/his gf and her son. 6 people in a van for 5 hours. Lucky for me, I scored the lone seat in the back, so I got to lounge about, read, listen to music and relax. Loverly.

Is my brother’s gf’s son so cute? Such a charmer!

We arrived just in time to finish decorating the party palace. It looked like Prom Night ’97. Gold/silver streamers/hanging things, Christmas lights. I loved it. She even had a throne like chair with lights for pictures. Ah, tan cute!

My brother looks enthused, right?

Before the party on Saturday, we were all supposed to just sit pretty and not get caught. So, me, Cowboy, brother’s gf and son went to South Padre Island for the day. I love the beach. I love being near water and I love sun tanning/relaxing. This was the perfect way to spend my day. When we arrived, I noticed school buses. This can only mean one thing, beach clean up day. The beach was spotless and not overrun by kids. YAY! I scored some sun time and some swim time. The waters weren’t too rough and the perfect almost warm temperature. When we left the beach we stopped at a seafood restaurant to have lunch before heading back. So yummy. I made sure to thank Cowboy for all the driving and the beach time. Beach time feeds my soul.

Then it was time to hurry back and get ready for the party.

At the party on the left, taking a bathroom break. My first outfit choice was that beloved pink dress, but my tan lines were embarassing. I love my lips in this pic though.

I opted for this dress. Yes, my bra is peeking out. Bonus points! For the first time ever, my make-up looks too light for my face. Win!

On the left is a random shot from my car. I was making a dad face. LOL! On the right is me/Cowboy at the party. It was so hot in there and my face was shiny.

Save a horse for my brother’s gf. She’s wearing my gypsy earrings.

All my aunts and uncles came down and it was glorious. Funtastic times. My gma was super surprised. They had a photographer but I haven’t rec’d the pics yet. Soon, lovelies.