December 24, 2012
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Jefferson never ceases to surprise me
In major life news, my stepbrother took his own life, Sunday, December 16, 2012. He was only 28 and it definitely rocked our worlds. He was bipolar and on/off his meds. I can only guess that was the reason. He didn’t leave a note. I’ve spent tons of time with my family since. My stepfather and I have always been very close and it really shook me to see him in so much pain. The first thing I told him was that this was not his fault. I do not want him to blame himself as he’s been an awesome father to me and my brothers. My stepbrother/stepsister haven’t been as blessed to witness his limitless love/devotion to his family. I’m hoping that this will bring him/his daughter closer. I will work to make sure that happens. Life is too short.
On Thursday, I came home and husband was looking at music videos. Normally, he’s busy working on his speak/spell (his work tablet). I asked what he was doing, but he just said he was looking at music. I retreated to the bath tub. I needed hot water to soothe my emotionally drained body. That bath was heavenly and just what I needed. As I was laying down, he came in and told me he wanted to sing at my stepbrother’s funeral. I was floored. He let me listen to some songs, but none felt right. Finally, he said, well there’s one more song, I sang it at my high school recital. It’s Josh Groban’s “To Where You Are”. Such a beautiful song, and I knew instantly that was what I wanted. Husband is a trained opera singer and I knew this would blow everyone away. Told him to get to practicing as there were some high notes in it. He sang it Saturday and it was beautiful and I loved it.
My mom was stellar throughout the whole thing. I was honestly amazed at how strong she was and how she was able to be there for my stepfather. When they made the arrangements, she didn’t go in the room because she didn’t want to upset my stepfather’s ex wife. We were all thankful to be included and allowed to attend. My stepfather spoke at the funeral and my eyes could no longer hold it in. He’s such a loving man and I’m so thankful my mom married him. My kid brother only knew my stepbrother for such a short time, but their similarities are just beyond. Christmas is going to be tough this year, but I’m so thankful for my wonderful family. Kiss your loved ones, tell them you love them. I know I will.
Comments (8)
Im so sorry to hear this. I am sure you are a rock to your family, just like your momma is.
Wow. How absolutely terrible. Bipolar is a scary illness, and it is horrible that your step-brother had such a difficult struggle keeping it under control. Prayers to you and your family!
So sorry about his passing. Lovely post to commemorate it all.
oh I’m so very sorry. My cousin killed himself last year–took us all by surprised (didn’t have any outward signs of depression). One thing I kept telling everyone is, imagine being that in pain that taking your own life seems like the answer–it’s no one’s fault. At all. The minister kind of reinterated that, and it was good for the family to hear.
your stepdad might benefit from survivors of suicide group sessions? my aunt’s been going–and it’s been really good for her.
This just breaks my heart. Love to you and your family.
I’m so sorry to hear this! :( How sad and I am glad you and your family are able to comfort each other in this time.
oy. just reading this now. im so sorry!!