Thursday, 25 June 2009
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I've hit a wall...
Better yet, based on how hard I've hit it, it feels like a mofo mountain. I can't see the top. It's beyond my line of sight. It feels as if its as high as Mt. Everest though. I wish bits of it would start to fall so I could see through to the other side. To the better side. To the happy side.
Someone, please tell me, "Its the actions, not the words." I can almost hear any of you telling me that.
His words cut through faster, and they're all I see. I'm blind with tears. I can't turn my ears off, so the words ring through. They whizz past my ears, through my brain and they anchor themselves in my heart. Its crumbling. It's all falling apart.
I wish I could run, far, fast and past this stupid mountain. I wish I could kick this mountain's ass.
I just took a shower and the tears were falling faster than the drops of water on my skin. As each one fell, I tried to tell myself, it's the actions, not the words. Over and over again.
Words mean so much to me. I think that's why I'm on Xanga. Your words are so important to me. I struggle to remember every last one. Each one is precious, concise, structured, heartfelt. These are the words I'm feeling right now.
What is the stupid mountain? It's the distance between me and my husband. I'm an overachiever. Failure is not an option. I don't want to fail at my marriage. I feel like I'm building a wall around my heart. As I try to guard it another word shoots in. Faster than I can defend.
Its no longer about who is right or wrong. I don't care about that. I honestly don't. I need to make a list of the things I want, so excuse my mind vomit as it oozes onto the page...
Sidenote: Someone please tell me why the bullets don't work in Vista. So annoying.
- I want him to be able to discuss something important with me while looking at me, directly, not off into space, and certainly not while he's playing with his phone.
- I want him to not raise his voice ever. I know my words can be venemous, but I don't want his coming at me in a harsh, loud voice, filled with anger, riddled with hate, and not laced in love.
- I want him to acknowledge when he's being absolutely ridiculous. He's pretty good at helping me acknowledge when I'm being the biggest bitch on the planet, but I wish I could do the same for him. I failboat at that.
- I want him to look at me when we're discussing something important and not play with his phone. Yes, I know I already said that, but there's a reason it's at the top of the list.
- I want to manage the money. I want to pay all the bills. I don't want him to worry about money. I want to make decisions as husband and wife when it comes to the money, but I don't want to have to wonder why he doesn't have any, or needs it, when he should be saving some for emergencies, etc.
- I want to love coming home to him again. I used to come home to an empty house during the week and it was depressing. I would long for his return, and could hardly wait to see him. I miss those days.
- I want him to not raise his voice when we're discussing something. I wish we could have a civilized conversation, where things got resolved. I hate when they escalate beyond control. Beyond reason.
- I want him to help me move this mountain. I didn't get here all by myself. I definitely had some help.
- I want him to talk to me when an issue does arise. The snide, under his breath comments that I can almost hear annoy the crap out of me. They're usually again, filled with anger, riddled with hate and not laced in love.
- I don't want to leave. I don't want to be told, "I pay the rent and you can move all your shit out. I'm tired of your bitch ass attitude and not gonna keep it up in my house."
- I want to delete that last bullet, but I won't.
- I don't want any more negative comments. About anything. The sky is not falling, only on you, everyday. There are positive things happening for you, because of you, and those should not be ignored. They should be acknowledged.
- I want to enjoy my birthday this weekend. That sounds selfish, but I do want that.
- This list already seems long and I don't like that.
- I want him to trust me. I want him to let me manage the money w/o worry. W/o fear. And certainly w/o fearing that I'm going to take all the money, leaving him with nothing. I've never done anything like that.
I have faith that things will get better. At this point, I'm hoping they can't get any worse. Have mercy.
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Comments (6)
I am so sorry you had to write all this out. I do not have words of wisdom or advice, but you know you can vent to a safe place!
That's quite a list. I'm sorry that money is causing you woes and that you feel like you're not communicating. It's not selfish to want to celebrate and enjoy your birthday -- you deserve at least not, if not the full royal treatment. Your demands/wants actually sound really reasonable, if he's willing to listen (intently) and you're willing to stay calm and keep your words, as you say, laced in love.
How long have you been married?
It does certainly sound like there is a lot to work through. Passive-aggressive comments never got anyone anywhere. It is the worst, most condescending way of communicating I can think of. Hubs and I used to do it to each other - a lot. Now if one of us does it, the other will go, "What did you say? If you cant say it to me, dont say it." So we repeat it and it doesn't sound as bad as under-the-breath comments but each of us learned that the other was annoyed.
Is he actually tell you to get out? I pictured throwing his cell phone under the bus right then.
I can only say this: If you're both willing to work it out, you should try.... at the very least - you are trying. Keep in mind the economy isn't all that great so your financial problems could only be escalated by the current state of the economy.
And words hurt. I don't care what anyone says. When words become action when spoken so yeah, it's the actions too. You can only describe the actions by the words, right? So...what I'm telling you is - they are hurtful and you have a right to say so and include his actions. (Stupid cell phone.)
@maandsaint - @krb343 - Thank you. Always good to know I have an audience.
@AreYouThereGodItsMeEmilyC - Just a lil over a year. March 8th was a year. Laced in love. When I try to check his tone, it'll be so sinister sometimes. I call it ahole tone, because that's exactly how icy/cold/mean it can sound.
@maandsaint - I don't think he actually wants me to leave. Last week I did actually pack a bag and he stopped me. I just wanted to escape. I told him we couldn't talk to each other. We need that 3rd party to regulate tone, voice volume, intent, etc. When he kept talking, I went to start packing. He stopped me and told me he'd respect my wish to not talk until we could go to counseling. There will be times where civilized conversations exist, but they quickly escalate. Overdrafting his own account frustrates me to no end. Don't spend what u don't have. Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. They're truly appreciated!
It sounds like quite a bit of anger, passive-aggressiveness, and possibly lack of communication. Words hurt, never mind actions, and lack of words hurt just as much.
Both of you be willing to work on it, and work it out. Otherwise, it's a dead end for both of you. And as for finances, yes the economy sucks, so it's probably a constant worry for anyone and everyone right now. It's not just money, it's not just attitude, it's not just every day things...something else is going on that is driving both of you zany and/or changing the relationship between you two.
Sometimes, you have to stand back, take things apart, look at it, and strip it down to its most basic form to see what is really going on...even if it hurts like hell.
@krb343 - @AreYouThereGodItsMeEmilyC - @maandsaint - @Femme003 - I definitely want to work things out. I'm committed to making it better. I'm sure I'm also a part of the problem as well. I think I've found the therapist I want to work with. Check out her site. I can't stop listening to her explanation of her services on her site. Her voice is so soothing/calming. I definitely appreciate that.